


Survivor

by kapakoscheisigma



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Brief mentions of childhood abuse, Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-19
Updated: 2012-06-19
Packaged: 2017-11-08 02:46:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/438291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kapakoscheisigma/pseuds/kapakoscheisigma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sisko is called to collect something from Gul Dukat's ship. He is shocked and disgusted by what he finds.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Survivor

It had been a long day. Exhausted Sisko flopped down on the comfortable sofa in his and Jake’s quarters. Who could believe how many reports both Star Fleet and the Federation’s diplomatic organizations would want - not to mention the Bajoran Provisional government - following his decision on one lonely Cardassian `orphan`, Rugal. Not to mention the fact that Dukat had been back on DS9 making some minor fuss about the `exile` Garak’s assistance to Sisko in this matter. Well, his ship should have departed by now. He had been due to depart six hours ago but had requested medical assistance for one of his crew. Whatever that was Sisko was sure Bashir had long since dealt with it. He had just closed his eyes when the young ensign at communications in Ops. during the gamma shift disturbed him.

“Sorry Commander, but Gul Dukat wants to speak with you.”

Sisko sighed. “Go ahead.”

“Ah Commander, I am due to depart but we have a slight problem.”

“Which is?”

“I have something on board which belongs to you, if you should be so good as to collect it.”

“Collect what?” Really, must they always play games!

“I really think you should collect this item in person Commander, I would so hate to cause a diplomatic incident by leaving with your item.”

Annoyed but curiosity piqued Sisko replied, “Very well. I’m on my way.”

 

**

 

A young soldier who led him to Dukat’s quarters and then left met him at the air lock. The door slid open.

“Ah Commander, come in. Care for a glass of kanaar?”

“Just tell me what this -” Sisko broke off as his eye caught something in the subdued Cardassian lighting - a naked, forlorn figure curled up in foetal position - a naked, pale brown skinned human figure with bruising to his lower back and thighs, with blood - dear God, blood! - staining the backs of those bruised thighs.

“What the hell is the meaning of this?” demanded Sisko loudly. At the sound of his voice the figure moved slightly and frightened hazel eyes full of tears sought Sisko’s.

“I have been giving your lieutenant a lesson in the chain of command, that he owes his allegiance to you as your officer and not to Garak as his catamite,” Dukat explained coolly.

“What?”

“I’m surprised you allow him such a compromising relationship.”

Sisko just threw Dukat a contemptuous look and knelt down beside Bashir. He instinctively flinched from his Commander before whispering, “I’m sorry.” His teeth chattered.

“You’ve done nothing wrong,” Sisko said gently before demanding of Dukat, “Where are his clothes?”

“Here,” Dukat indicated the torn remains of Julian’s uniform.

Sisko realized they were unwearable. “You can’t expect him to leave here naked. This -is- a serious diplomatic incident Dukat. Raping a Star Fleet Officer will be viewed very seriously by the Federation.”

“This is a Cardassian vessel, Cardassian law doesn’t recognize the rape of an alien male.”

“Very convenient,” Sisko sneered. He snatched a blanket from Dukat’s own bed, daring him to object with his eyes.

“Besides, you say it’s rape but really Commander, I’m beginning to think that you’re not aware that your dear doctor there has already developed a taste for Cardassian cock.”

Sisko didn’t trust himself to reply, instead busied himself with wrapping Julian in the blanket and trying to get him to stand.

“N-not t-true,” Julian stuttered, pleading Sisko to believe him with his eyes, “It’s not t-true. Garak and I never - I mean he’s right, but we never - I never!”

“It’s okay,” Sisko reassured him, wondering quite what it was that Julian was babbling about. He got Julian to his feet and Julian cried out in pain as fresh blood ran down his leg. He leant heavily against Sisko who held him as tightly as he could without causing more pain. Sisko turned to glare at Dukat. “You call this consensual!”

“Yes, pathetic thing isn’t she? Can’t see what Garak sees in her. Still, I suppose beggars can’t be choosers and if one pathetic, weak human catamite is all that’s on offer... Be sure to tell Garak I’ve taken his dear doctor. Make sure he knows I’ll do it again if he ever interferes again between myself and his Bajoran friends again.”

Sisko was torn between his immediate, overwhelming desire to hit Dukat and the need to get Julian to safety. Bashir was such a slight figure that Sisko decided to carry him.

“Show me the way to the air lock,” he said through gritted teeth.

 

**

 

Mindful of Julian’s privacy and need for security Sisko had O’Brien beam them directly to Julian’s quarters, forbidding O’Brien to speak of the act to anyone. He also instructed Nurse Jabara to meet them there with a medical kit.

 

**

 

While Jabara heavily sedated Bashir with painkillers and repaired both the torn veins and skin and the prolapse Sisko paced in Bashir’s living room. Eventually Jabara emerged, as white as a sheet under her hurriedly braided heavy blond hair. She regarded Sisko with her motherly, gentle blue eyes.

“You should sit down Commander. May I get you a hot drink? What would you like? Coffee? It’s a favourite human drink I believe.”

“How is he?”

Jabara regarded him sternly. He sat down. Jabara moved to the replicator. “The physical injuries are superficial, mostly healed. He’ll be sore for a few days and the bruising has to heal. Coffee?”

“Uh? Raktajino.”

“Raktajino, extra sweet,” Jabara instructed the replicator, and then to Sisko she explained the sugar, “For the shock Sir. And one Bajoran spring wine,” she added for herself. She handed Sisko his drink and looked thoughtfully at him. “Dr. Bashir is still sedated, he’s not said a word, but I am very concerned for his psychological state.”

“Of course, he’s just been -”

“Julian’s only just come to terms with his sexuality and the fact he was abused as a child. He is a virgin.” Jabara stressed the word is to indicate that she plainly considered virginity a matter of consent and not just the physical act. “There are things I know in confidence, but I’m breaking that confidence because you are his commanding officer and you need to help him. Someone needs to know the truth.”

“His sexuality? Dukat called him a catamite.”

“Ugly,” Jabara winced, “but sufficient. Does Dukat believe he’s punishing Garak?”

“He said something of the kind.”

“Yes, it’s an old Cardassian tradition, to rape one’s enemy’s wife or child in order to subdue them. Rape is also used as punishment in itself.” Jabara shuddered with private occupation memories.

Pedantic because all this was too disturbing to contemplate Sisko said, “If you say Julian’s a virgin he can’t be anyone’s catamite, let alone Garak’s.”

“Let’s leave ugly, prejudicial words out of this Commander. Dr. Bashir has been dating Garak for a long time and had been contemplating -”

“So Dukat was half-right!”

“Julian is in love with Garak, we don’t choose who we fall in love with,” Jabara said forcefully, not liking the tone Sisko used.

“But Melora last week,” Sisko was trying to take on board what Jabara was saying.

“Melora was far more medical curiosity than anything else - you know Dr. Bashir and research!” She laughed. “She was also an experiment of another kind, but unfortunately she couldn’t change or alter the basis premise.”

“What?”

“He tried very hard to be heterosexual Commander, he was ashamed and afraid of who he is. Now I’m very much afraid he will be again.”

“I can see that,” Sisko said carefully. “Should I inform Garak, do you think? Dukat wants him to know which is a very good reason not to if you ask me.”

“If your betrothed were raped, wouldn’t you need to know?”

“Well, if you put it like that.”

“I think Commander that you should leave that decision to Julian. He’ll be conscious soon.”

 

**

 

Concerned that no one should know unless Julian wished it Sisko sent Jabara home. Julian himself had been the one that had insisted that he was the first to be called to medical emergencies in the `night` so Jabara long away from her quarters would indicate either a serious medical situation or Dr. Bashir himself being injured. Julian had insisted on this because he was concerned for Jabara’s four children, he felt they should not feel their mother abandoned them in favour of her career any more than was necessary. He knew what it was to have an absentee mother, half a year at Shi Kahr University on Vulcan, the other half in consultancy for Federation diplomats - excluding his father naturally, whom she avoided like the plague. A most unhappy marriage. Jabara left after giving Sisko instructions: this for pain relief, that for infection, every three hours, and this for inflammation every four hours, and lastly, that were the sedatives.

Sisko pulled up a chair in the small bedroom and began his night vigil. How young and vulnerable Bashir looked, not much older than Jake really. He had never really considered how young his CMO was, the fact that he was a doctor pushed aside any real consideration of his youth. He dimly remembered being made aware of Julian’s genius, his accelerated medical training, the fact he was the youngest to graduate from Star Fleet Medical, the fact also he Star Fleet’s youngest CMO ever. No wonder he appeared brash and arrogant, he had a heavy responsibility on his young shoulders. When he irritatingly reminded them of how clever he was, was he reminding himself? Had he and Dax been too cruel when he first arrived? And had he and Dax also jumped to the wrong conclusion entirely regarding his feelings for Dax? In love with Garak Jabara had said, so had his feeling for Dax been of admiration - emulation even? Yes, that would make sense. But Garak? Slightly dangerous, a lot older, a father figure maybe? Abused as a child Jabara had said. It seemed like Bashir’s senior nurse was the only one on the station who had taken the time to know him.

Julian stirred slightly and whimpered. He hunched up more. He was lying on his side slightly curled up and clutching his abdomen as if in pain. He was now chewing his lower lip and Sisko was suddenly aware that those deep expressive eyes were open, staring at him. He never said a word, just stared at Sisko accusingly - or so Sisko felt - as if it were his fault, as if he could take the pain away. But it was his fault! He was Bashir’s commanding officer. When Dukat called for medical assistance and insisted on Dr. Bashir he should have suspected something. It had been obvious that Dukat resented the was young Bashir had made him look small at Rugal’s custody hearing and he resented even more the fact that he had been manipulated by Garak throughout the entire investigation. It had bothered Sisko slightly, but he had allowed it because it had been the only way to get at the truth. It was obvious Garak and Dukat hated one another, were political enemies and now poor Julian had been caught in the crossfire. Sisko never doubted Garak might have been a spy but - `his Bajoran friends` Dukat had said. Had Garak been a double agent of some kind, assisting the Bajorans? Sisko had also never doubted that Garak was a genuine exile; he had that air of tragic about him at times. But Bashir in love with Garak? No wonder Garak could manipulate him so well!

Oh God! Those eyes staring at him, begging - “I’m so sorry Julian, I should have realized.”

Julian coughed and held his ribs that were also bruised. “I think this patient needs some more dopamine,” he said softly.

“Oh? Of course.” Sisko picked up the appropriate hypospray. Of course! How could he be so stupid? Julian must be in a lot of physical pain.

 

**

 

Julian closed his eyes in relief as the pain subsided. The physical pain. Nothing could be done about the emotional pain. He repeatedly heard Dukat’s taunts in his head. He had been nothing to Dukat, nothing. Oh Dukat had got pleasure from inflicting pain, from having power and control over him. He had even believed him when he’d repeatedly told Dukat that he wasn’t Garak’s lover. It had given Dukat that extra pleasure knowing he had been first; he had taken something from Garak before he’d even had it himself. And Julian had been an it to Dukat, a thing, like a child smashing a hated enemy’s toy in the playground. When it had happened and Dukat had raped him Julian had repeatedly told himself like a mantra, a song in his head,

“Your uncle did this, you survived, over and over, you survived, it’s just the same, and you survived...”

But it wasn’t the same! His uncle had been mentally ill, loved him in his own twisted way, been gentle, used lubrication, talked to him, told him he was special. It had been a loving sexual relationship in its sick way. Only Julian had been ten, eleven? Right now he couldn’t remember, what he could remember was how different it felt. He’d felt confused, frightened - it hurt! - but he’d also felt special, loved and sometimes powerful. He could manipulate his uncle - get that toy he wanted, get to eat all those pastries until he’d been sick and his Grandmother had told his uncle off, get to go on that special trip he wanted... Dukat made him feel like dirt, like nothing. Dukat was hurting Garak, that was why he did it. 

“Commander?”

“Yes?” How guilty and ashamed Sisko looked. He felt responsible. Father looked like that when they arrested his brother-in-law for the statuary rape of his son. Why had he insisted that he’d wanted his uncle? Because his uncle had stopped his father from hitting him. Because with his uncle the ‘specialness’ had been entirely different to the special ‘qualities’ he had academically and physically, those ‘special’ attributes his parents had paid for and reinforced over and over how he had to keep silent. So many secrets so many adults had made him keep from the world! What a crazy childhood he’d had! All he’d ever wanted was for his father to love him, but he’d never measured up to his father’s expectations, despite his father’s braking the law to pay for certain disappointing deficiencies to be ‘cured’. That one year when they were waiting for his uncle to come to trial and Julian had been `in care` and having that useless child counselling was his father’s most attentive, loving period and it had just been an act for the authorities. All evidence of previous unexplained broken bones had been laid at his uncle’s door. Obviously he had kept it all secret, how could he, as a child, unpick the laws on eugenics that had been broken from those of physically harming or sexually using a child. They were all secrets that had to be kept or his parents would not be with him. He had been desperate to get back to the family and away from Federation ‘care’. Crazy! Julian looked up at Sisko pleadingly.

“D-don’t tell Garak.”

“Are you sure that’s what you want? Aren’t you and he -?”

“I thought about it.” Julian closed his eyes. “I don’t think I ever want to think about it again.”

“You don’t mean that, you deserve love, we all do.”

“I do mean it! Love only hurts you anyway!” Julian was aware he was dangerously close to hysteria.

Sisko put his hand on Julian’s shoulder. He backed away sharply and sat up. Sitting up was painful and he winced. Sisko had moved to sit on the bed beside him. Half of Julian felt trapped, afraid, the other half wanted to fall into those arms and sob his heart out.

“I can’t pretend to know how you feel Julian but I’m here for you.”

“I don’t know how I feel,” Julian replied emptily.

In a sudden movement Sisko had pulled his young CMO into his arms and held him tightly, rocking him gently as he did Jake after one of his terrible nightmares about Jennifer’s death. Julian began to cry silently, soaking Sisko’s uniform, the silent sobs shaking his body. Indistinct words began to form a desperate narration.

“I was so scared - I thought he’d kill me - He didn’t even hate me - I was nothing to him - I kept telling myself to be brave - I said be strong for Garak - don’t let him hurt Garak through you - I said it’s only like my uncle - only the same as when I was a child - It wasn’t! It wasn’t! I thought I was going to die! - It’s horrible to be hurt like that and know exactly what your injuries are! He took so long time until he called you, I thought I was going to bleed to death - He went on so long, I passed out and when I came to he was still there. I don’t know how I could ever think about letting - I mean I bled so much! I was so scared -” This unhappy narration was broken up by little gasps and hiccupped sobs. It broke Sisko’s heart to hear.

“Woah! Slow down Julian. S’sh, s’sh. Hush now. I’m here now. There will be plenty of time to talk.” Sisko stroked Julian’s hair. Obviously babbling wasn’t just a nervous habit in normal stressful situations! Poor young man, so confused, so frightened, and not all as a result of Dukat. How could he miss all this? He’d had an inkling that Julian had been abused when they had fetched Rugal after the accusation of abuse, but he’d soon forgotten it again. What should he deal with first now?

“Julian, there is a world of difference between being made love to and raped, surely you realize that? For one, there are many other things that men can do to express love that wouldn’t involve that act.”

Julian twisted his head to look at Sisko in the eye. “Is there?” His voice was empty now, no panic, no emotion of any kind, he sounded so tired. “It’s the same really - to think I wanted someone inside me!” The hysteria was growing again. “I nearly did at med. school you know, but I was too nervous and I don’t think he had the patience.” Now he was hysterical, laughing at himself.

Sisko suddenly wanted to smile despite how distressing it was to watch Julian’s play of emotions, despite the fact everything was so tragic. “You’re indicating you know the difference,” he pointed out. “You didn’t want Dukat, you were terrified, and he wanted to hurt you. If you were with a man you loved, who loved and respected you, it would be an entirely different thing.” Sisko gave in to the impulse to plant a paternal kiss on Julian’s forehead. Abuse Jabara had said? Did he have any parental love or affection at all? “Don’t let Dukat rob you of who you are, of your identity, your sexuality. Jabara told me that you’ve finally accepted yourself. That was courageous, don’t let Dukat take it away.”

“Do you think Garak will understand?”

“I think Garak has been waiting a long time.” It had been obvious to everyone from the first moment Julian and Garak had begun to lunch together that Garak wanted Julian sexually. But Julian had seemed to rush about with girls and chase Dax like an immature heterosexual - and without stereotyping, typical of one from a tradition Arab/Muslim human background - no-one had realized that he’d known exactly what Garak wanted, that he wanted it too, that in fact he’d been an immature homosexual trying to prove to the world and himself that he wasn’t. “I think Garak will wait a little longer, but I think he has a right to know. If I were dating a woman and she were raped I would want to know so I could be there for her, support her, help her survive it.”

“Do you think Garak loves me?” This was a small, plaintive voice of a frightened child.

Sisko considered a long time. “I don’t know Julian, but it’s obvious to me he has a great deal of respect for you, for your intellect, your professionalism, your rank. Coupled with the fact he also desires you I’d say he has some form of deep feelings for you. I don’t even know if Cardassians understand love the way we do.”

“But if Garak knows then Dukat has won.” Julian frowned in concentration, an equation he couldn’t quite work out.

“He wins only if he destroys you and destroys your relationship. Firstly, I am beginning to realize that you are a very strong young man indeed Julian, so Dukat won’t destroy you. Secondly, you are Garak’s only friend and he is a lonely, isolated exile. He won’t let anything destroy his friendship with you. If he wants anything more than friendship then he’ll give you all the time and support you need. He has already, hasn’t he?”

“Did Jabara tell you I was sexually abused?”

“You mentioned it yourself a little while ago Julian.”

“Oh?”

“That’s what I mean about your strength. You mention it casually, like it does not have the power to hurt you. One day what Dukat did to you will feel the same.” Was he doing this right? The Academy dealt with most aspects of command, but having one’s officer raped was not one of them. Nor had he ever had this happen under his command before - nor did he ever want it to happen again! He suspected Kira may have been raped - it was common Cardassian torture - but certainly he had not inquired. Should he now? Should he ask her to help Julian? She had very little time for Bashir, he was too immature and irritating for her, she considered him naive, from a privileged background. Materially privileged maybe, but his uncle had used him sexually as a child. Was that suffering on an equal footing with growing up in a refugee camp and joining the Underground aged 12? How could you make a scale of suffering anyway?

“C-commander?”

“Yes Julian?”

“D-did Jabara leave any more sedatives? I c-can’t c-cope anymore. I k-keep hearing him, my b-body keeps f-feeling him, I - Oh shit!” Tears were tracking down unheeded; he was shaking uncontrollably in Sisko’s arms.

“Yes Julian. Here.” The gentle hiss of temporary emotional relief at Julian’s neck. “Do you want me to tell Garak while you sleep?”

“Uh-huh. M-my t-teddy bear -” Julian slipped into unconsciousness. Surprised by the last request Sisko scanned the room. Sitting on top of the beautiful antique Ottoman chest was an ancient battered brown bear. Sisko was equally surprised to find under the bear a neatly folded djebella, an orate tapestry topi and a string of green prayer beads - and under those a beautifully crafted Islamic prayer mat complete with depictions of the black Kabba at Mecca, doves of peace, flowers and love hearts! No wonder he was so scared of his sexuality! Sisko tucked the bear under Julian’s arms - and as an after thought placed the prayer beads on the bedside cabinet - and pulled the covers up to his chin and then left. He had to tell Garak.

 

**

 

Commander Sisko really had no idea how Garak felt about Dr. Bashir but if Dukat had done this to Julian with the intention of hurting Garak he presumed Garak felt something for the young doctor. One assumed a Cardassian could recognize when another Cardassian was in love, at least felt something. Garak would certainly feel protective and perhaps possessive of Bashir if Dukat knew his act would hurt Garak. Sisko really didn’t want to be the one to tell him. Looking for an excuse to delay the duty and mindful of Julian’s privacy concerning the transport Sisko took a detour via the O’Brien’s.

Chief O’Brien was still awake, although it was gone four in the morning and he’d left Ops. soon after performing the transport. He’d consumed quite a large quantity of whisky. Being curious he’d examined the detail of the pattern buffers - Julian had been naked and bleeding profusely during that transport. Miles O’Brien didn’t want to think about where Julian had been bleeding from. Worse even than admitting what it implied Julian had suffered on that damned Cardie ship - and beJesus, weren’t all Cardies raping bastards! -was the final realization of his true feelings for Julian. Over the last year Miles had slowly admitted to himself that he wanted - desired - Julian Bashir. It was a shock, he’d never before been sexually attracted to a man, but not surprising, Keiko grew colder and more distant by the day. Following that revelation to himself had been the realization that the suspicions he’d had since day one were not wishful thinking but that Julian most certainly was not the submissive pretty Arab boy of Miles’ private fantasies, but rather just shy and naive, and more than a little ashamed. Julian was young, and in a rare, intimate conversation - something Miles could never let anyone see how craved or needed contact like that was, so usually pushed Julian away with a snide comment or put-down - Julian had revealed his parents to be strict, traditional Muslims. Miles could relate to that, his own family were devout Catholics. His own brother was a priest. When he’d transported Sisko and Bashir and realized what had happened it had taken all his will power not to blow the bloody Cardie ship out of the skies. Bastards! Hurting his Julian! Taking his Julian’s sweet innocence when it should have been him, with gentleness, with love.

“Commander?” O’Brien slurred as Sisko stood in the doorway and wobbled a bit on his feet. “C’m in. I was jus’ havin’ a little drink. Would ye be carin’ for a li’le drink now?”

Chief! You are drunk.”

“I’m not on duty Sir,” O’Brien pointed out, momentarily sobering up. “If ye’ve c’m to tell me to keep me mouth shut, certainly that I will, to be sure I will.” He leaned drunkenly close to his commanding officer. “I looked at the pattern buffers, Julian bleeding like that, I got angry an’ I got drunk. Sorry Sir.”

Sisko steered O’Brien to the sofa and went to the replicator for a strong coffee, Jamaican blend, double strength, and another Raktajino for himself, again with extra sugar - he needed the energy, and he couldn’t remember when he last slept. “So you’ve guessed?” he asked O’Brien.

“Sweet Jesus, the boy naked and bleeding from -there- and just off a Cardie ship! Is he all right Sir?”

“Physically Nurse Jabara has taken care of him. He’s in a little pain of course.”

“Otherwise Sir?”

“Otherwise Chief, I don’t know.” Sisko sat down. “He’s so young, so naive, I never realized. He went out of his way to create one impression of himself when -”

“When he only wants women as friends,” supplied O’Brien. “I’m not stupid Sir.”

“Then you’re the only one who hasn’t been Chief.”

“Except for that damn’ Cardie tailor,” O’Brien muttered bitterly under his breath.

Sisko looked curiously at O’Brien a moment before deciding he really needed to talk. “I don’t know how to help him Chief. It’s not just a disgusting act of violence, his reactions will go far deeper than that, than if you or I - I mean, it’s like if he were a woman - do I mean that? No. that sounds ignorant and prejudiced, doesn’t it? I think I mean it’s an attack on his entire sexuality, his ability to love. He was already frightened, from what I can gather and now -” Sisko was aware he was babbling like Bashir. It must be catching!

“Tell me what happened Sir?”

Sisko told him and couldn’t understand why O’Brien was so upset by Garak’s connection to all this, blaming Garak on the one hand and incoherently pleading with Sisko not to tell him on the other.

“An’ another thin’, you don’t suppose Garak respects him, he’s just as much a thing to him as Dukat. It’s his pride Dukat has attacked, I know these Cardies. How’s it s’posed to help Julian if Garak shows his true colours? Julian needs love an’ understandin’, not -”

Realization hit Sisko. “Chief,” he said lightly, “You’re a married man.”

“For all the good it does me,” he said bitterly. He and Keiko had had another row earlier that night, it was why he’d gone back to work and been at Ops. so late in the first place.

“Dr. Bashir has just been raped because of the man he’s in love with. What he certainly does not need is a married man pursuing him.” This was said firmly enough for O’Brien to recognize it for what it was: O’Brien had been in Star Fleet man and boy; he recognized an order from a superior officer when he heard one.

He sighed, “I have no intention of betrayin’ my marriage vows, I jus’ think Garak won’t help Julian any,” he said sadly, adding drunkenly as he remembered, “Sir.”

“I’m sorry if I upset you more than you were Chief. My only desire was to talk things through - I have to report this to Star Fleet and I don’t like it! I will not be letting Bashir know you know. He has no recollection of the transport and it would distress him to know anyone knows. Please bear that in mind Chief.”

Not to offer support, not to comfort his beloved Julian. Torture! “Yes Sir, I quite understand.” *But one day Julian -will- be mine, however many years it takes, then he’ll tell me and I’ll comfort him.* O’Brien comforted himself in his drunken thoughts as Sisko left to face Garak.

 

**

 

“Commander? What an unexpected surprise. To what -?”

“Mr. Garak. May I come in?”

“Please do.”

Sisko watched Garak for any inkling of what he had to say. Had Dukat already contacted him to gloat? Meanwhile Garak watched Sisko for any possible clue to why the station Commander, unaccompanied by Kira or Odo, could be here so early in the morning. What could he possibly want with him?

“Mr. Garak, I think perhaps you should sit down.”

“Why? Whatever can you have to say?”

“It concerns Dr. Bashir.”

“Ah, you have come to ascertain whether my intentions are honourable!” Garak made light of the situation while his mind raced - Dukat on the station, supper cancelled because of a medical emergency on the Cardassian ship, not a word since! “Or perhaps you are here to warn me off your good doctor?”

“Could you be warned off? Are your intentions honourable?”

“What would please you Commander?”

Physically and emotionally drained Sisko visibly sagged before Garak’s eyes. He gave up playing Garak’s games. “Julian needs you Mr. Garak. Please, will you sit down.” He sounded exasperated now.

 

Garak’s grey skin paled under his ridges and his blue eyes widened. He sat down, fear grabbing his heart. “Is he all right?” This was barely a whisper.

Sisko took a deep breath. “I’m sorry to bring such bad news. The whole exercise was apparently to hurt you, so I am informed.”

“Commander, please just tell me.”

“Dukat raped Julian.”

Garak stood up, letting out a howl of anguish then inarticulately tried to speak. He turned his face away from Sisko.

“Mr. Garak?” Sisko took an uncertain step toward him. He did indeed feel something very deep for Julian.

Finally Garak spoke. “Please Commander, I need a few moments alone.”

“I’ll - I’ll be outside.” Sisko hurriedly left. Never before had he experienced such depth of Cardassian emotion, even from Rugal’s father who hurt and confused had maintained that Cardassian inscrutability.

 

**

 

Garak paced, angry tears burning his eyes, seeing - not wanting to see - Dukat pressing himself in that tender Terran flesh. Julian crying out, Julian afraid, Julian in pain. Did he scream? How would he cope? It was unbearable. Again! The bastard had done it again! And why? Because Dukat hated him. Garak had been so concerned for himself in this relationship it never crossed his mind to think Julian at risk. He’d noticed Dukat’s knowing eyes looking at Julian as they’d walked into that farce of a hearing but had assumed there would be no risk. No, he was too selfish with his own preoccupations, of how he was becoming vulnerable, open to Federation compassion and Bajoran spiritualism. Julian’s compassion and vulnerability changing him. No, that wasn’t entirely true, there had been another young man with equally expressive eyes, blue eyes as dark and as deep as the ocean, that brave young man who Dukat had broken so completely and easily, despite how strong he’d been. Poor Seri had loved him, had never asked for all Garak had done for him, for the Underground. And now Julian too. Garak swore them both vengeance, both Azo Seri and Julian Bashir. Then, angrily brushing the tears away hurriedly dressed and opened the door to the waiting Sisko.

“Is he in the Infirmary?”

“No, his quarters. Only Nurse Jabara knows apart from me, and I intend to keep it that way.” Better not let Garak know about O’Brien.

“Does this mean you won’t be making a report to Star Fleet?”

“No, I will send a coded report to my superiors. I’m sure they will recognize Dr. Bashir’s need for privacy and not insist he makes his own report. You don’t think I intend to let Dukat get away with raping one of my officers do you?”

“No, I suppose not, but I fear if this goes through diplomatic circles the Central Command will not take it seriously - officers are entitled to R&R and if they’re aware of Julian’s sexuality and his connection to me - and they will be - they will decide he asked for it.”

“What the hell-?”

“Commander, I am an exile. I never said that was my opinion.”

“No, I suppose -”

“How bad are his physical injuries?”

“You must ask Jabara in the morning.”

“It is morning,” Garak pointed out.

“So it is.”

“How is he emotionally?”

“He asked me to sedate him because he simply could no longer cope.”

“He will have to cope Commander.”

“Time heals all Mr. Garak, and Jabara will look after him, she does have a degree in counselling.”

“Yes, and unfortunately Bajorans have become expects in these matters.” There was such bitterness in Garak’s voice that if Sisko hadn’t known better he would have believed it were a Bajoran who had said it. They were silent until the turbolift reached Bashir’s level. “Did he ask for me?” Garak wanted to know, anxiety in his voice.

You and his teddy bear,” replied Sisko wryly, trying to inject some humour in such a dark situation.

“Ah Koukalaka, my main rival in affections,” replied Garak with a painful smile.

“That’s rather a mouthful for a small child’s toy,” observed Sisko.

“The good doctor’s father was always far too ambitious for his only son. Would you consider he believes him a failure?”

Sisko inwardly heaved a sigh of relief, not only did Garak genuinely seem to care, he knew as much, if not more, than Jabara. They reached Julian’s door. “Do you know about his uncle.”

“Hasan al Faisal deserves to die. Hasan and Dukat deserve to die,” Garak corrected himself.

Despite Federation beliefs of justice and sentient rights Sisko found himself wholeheartedly agreeing, not that he let Garak know that. Unfortunately, politics meant he was going to have to deal with Dukat time and time again.

 

**

 

Julian was locked in a repetitive nightmare, his mind played the same scene over and over again:

“I - I don’t understand,” he had said; backing up to the door Dukat had already locked.

“Oh, I believe you understand me very well indeed.” Dukat’s hand ran lazily over Julian’s chest as he was now backed up as far as he could go. That sinister, predatory smile showing those neat, sharp teeth. Suddenly Dukat ripped away the uniform.

“Please,” Julian gasped, trying to push Dukat’s hands away from his hips. “What you say isn’t true. None of it!” Julian’s voice rose desperately, hysterically. “I do obey Sisko, not Garak. I’m not Garak’s cat- Garak’s lover. Please don’t! I never meant to make you angry, I was following Commander Sisko’s orders, not Garak’s.” Julian was well aware he was begging, but he clung to the frail hope he could talk himself out of this. He was terrified. All the time Dukat smiled at him, removing the rest of Julian’s clothing while Julian futilely tried to stop him.

“Perhaps you are a good boy, but surely you see the conflict of interests, of your allegiance? You must be taught the proper chain of command - really, if you want to be fucked you should pick a Federation stud shouldn’t you?”

Tears escaped Julian’s eyes. “Please, Dukat - I mean Gul Dukat! You’re wrong, I’m not Garak’s anything, I’m - I’m a virgin, I never - Oh God!” He saw the look of pure triumph in Dukat’s eyes. He should have denied his feeling for Garak; he should have denied his sexuality - anything. It seemed before Dukat was getting a kick out of the power, but now - Oh God! Whatever else happened he’d never forget the look in Dukat’s eyes right now!

“Then I shall have you before Garak, the pleasure is all mine.” He released the catch of his own trousers, still smiling in Julian’s face. Unwittingly Julian glanced down.

“Oh God, no please -!” Julian began to lash out at Dukat in desperation but it only amused him. Suddenly Dukat flung him face down over a chair. A sudden burst of unbearable pain. A scream escaped from Julian’s throat but it came out a whisper. *I can’t bear it. I can’t bear it. I’ll die. Let me die, oh God let me die!* Then he passed out. When he came to Dukat was still there, but the pain wasn’t just inside him where Dukat was, it was in his lower back, his abdomen, it ran down his legs, in his rib cage, his stomach - oh God, with each thrust it was like being kicked in the stomach with an electric current running from anus up his spine into his head. He tried to talk himself calm - *Panic makes pain worse doctor.

*Your uncle did this Julian, you survived, over and over, you survived.

*Oh God, not true, not true! Allah! I’m bleeding! I’m bleeding! Help me! Compassionate and Merciful! Compassionate and Merciful! Help me! Forgive me! I’m dying! Compassionate and Merciful!*

When Dukat had finished with him he’d managed to crawl to a dark corner, as he’d done in his childhood escaping his father not his uncle. Dukat occasionally spoke to him, asked if he’d learnt his lesson in obedience, how he’d compared to Garak - oh no, the little doctor had been a sweet, innocent virgin. In mock politeness Dukat had thanked Julian for his virginity. Dumb with fear, Julian wept and continued his mental prayers. “Allah never tests a soul beyond it’s endurance ... What He takes away He gives back with abundance ...” Julian quoted to himself, trying to believe, desperate to believe someone right now loved him, was sharing his suffering. *Oh God, help me, I can’t endure this. Oh Most Merciful and Compassionate, save me...*

And then Dukat contacted Sisko. Julian found himself thanking and praising God for his deliverance, although it felt an eternity until Sisko arrived...

The dream/memory replayed itself over and over again. Julian couldn’t wake up. He was heavily sedated. 

Finally Julian was released: he woke up. He opened his eyes. Garak occupied the chair that had been Sisko’s. Once awake Julian was spared the constant replay of his rape, he only experienced momentarily flashbacks, but the worse thing about them was he bodily seemed to feel them too. He put his hands to his face and found them wet with tears. Koukalaka was close to his chest, sodden with his tears. As he came to more he was mortified to find he was lying in a puddle of his own urine and it felt as if he were bleeding again. How could he be like this in front of Garak? Garak the mysterious, dangerous, handsome - masculine - spy of his dreams. Garak was here. Did that mean he loved him? A thousand years ago, before Dukat had raped him, Julian had planned to wake up beside Garak one morning no longer a virgin. *Be careful what you wish for Julian, it might come true! Oh will it? I’m going mad! If Sisko’s right it may still come true? Do I want it to? Oh I love Garak, and - and I do still want him! I do, but I - I will get over this, because however different, I survived sexual abuse and being beaten throughout my childhood, and I’m a doctor, I didn’t do too badly, huh? I AM A SURVIVOR!* However determined Julian was he still had a very -damp- pressing problem to cope with.

“Is -is J-Jabara here?”

“Julian, my dearest! You’re awake.” Garak was normally quite scathing of how humans stated the obvious, he gave everything away of how he felt to Julian in that moment. “Jabara’s not here, but she instructed Sisko in your medication. He’s asleep on your sofa if you need -?”

“Yes, I’m sorry Garak, I’m so sorry. I love you, but please, fetch Commander Sisko for me.”

 

**

 

Commander Sisko said when presented with a blood and urine soaked Bashir, “I’ll fetch Nurse Jabara,” and touched his comm. badge.

 

**

 

Both Sisko and Garak paced in the living room while Jabara cauterised the re-opened fissures, gave Julian more painkillers, bathed him, changed him and his bedclothes and gently cleaned and dried the ancient teddy bear.

“It-it’s like having a real, proper loving father and betrothed out there,” Julian joked feebly.

“Maybe,” smiled Jabara. “Rest today, call me anytime. How do you feel?”

“I don’t know, how am I supposed to feel? Everything runs in my head. If only I’d guessed, or fought more, or managed to call for help -”

Jabara thought to herself if anyone on that ship had over heard they would probably have demanded a turn from their commanding officer and if that had been the case it was doubtful whether Julian would have lived. She hoped Julian would never know that, he’d be having enough nightmares as it was. She said, “None of this is your fault Doctor, but everything will replay in your mind until you learn to shut it out. Talk if it helps, otherwise why not try to read, or think of something else, or pray.” She smiled. “Rather lame advice, but you’re the doctor, you know there’s nothing medical I can give you for this.”

“I know. He - he did this because he though I was Garak’s catamite.”

“An ugly word.”

“Words can’t hurt can they? Only what he did hurts. It’s a redundant word, insulting by proxy anyhow, linked to misogyny and patriarchy, to days when women had no rights, were men’s property and possessions, were considered weak, inferior, emotionally unstable and intellectually feeble-minded. No one - not even on Cardassia - well, except the Ferengi - suggests women are like that, so not `catamites` either. Words don’t hurt. I’m sorry, I’m babbling.”

“No you’re not. Don’t you think Dukat thinks that about women?”

“Oh, maybe, but he’s wrong.”

“Certainly he’s wrong!” Jabara said firmly.

“And he’s wrong about me too,” Garak said from the bedroom doorway. “He thinks I would react as he would but I don’t believe such vile things, so he’s not hurt me as he intended.”

“But -?” Julian bit his lower lip. He looked better for his bath, more like he’d want Garak to see him. Jabara had shaved him too.

“I hurt only because you hurt. I - care deeply - about you my dearest Julian. Dukat thought I would see you as spoiled goods, but how wrong he was. Your suffering only deepens my respect for your strength, your will to survive, your courage.”

Jabara listened amazed, watching Garak in admiration, chastising herself for her racism. She discreetly left the bedroom. Garak slowly came near to Julian; he didn’t want to move to quickly or suddenly in case his Cardassianness or his masculinity, his sheer physical presence and superiority scare his beloved Julian.

“H-hold me.”

Garak sat down on the bed and squashed Julian to his physical bulk, careful to keep his hands away from anywhere near Julian’s backside or even lower back. He didn’t even object to Koukalaka being squeezed in-between them.

“Will you wait?”

“You’ve asked me this twice before, when you told me how guilty you felt about your sexuality and when you told me about your uncle. My answer is still the same: as long as it takes I will wait for you. In the meantime we have friendship, which is a precious thing to me in itself. Now, don’t cry my darling.”

“I can’t help it, I can’t believe I was afraid of how you would react.”

“Enough now, try to rest.” Garak kissed the top of Julian’s head.

“K-kiss me.”

Garak kissed Julian lightly on the lips.

“I mean pr-properly.”

Garak gave Julian a gentle open-mouthed kiss, probing with his tongue until Julian relaxed, yielding fully to the pleasure of the deepening kiss. Afterwards the hazel eyes sparkled like jewels.  
“H-he hasn’t destroyed me! You love me, you still make me feel safe - I don’t know how you do it - I don’t even know when you’re lying! - but you make me safe, you do. It’s going to take me a long time but you’ll look after me won’t you? I love you so much I felt awful that he was using me to hurt you. I was so afraid -”

“Has anyone told you my darling that you talk too much?”

Julian laughed nervously. “Oh frequently!”

“Then stop.” Garak kissed him again. “What do you want to do now? Sisko is exhausted but won’t leave until he knows you’re beginning to be okay. I have a shop to open if we’re to avoid as much gossip as possible. Jabara has your Infirmary to run for you.”

“Oh? Do you think I should be alone?”

“How bad do you feel Julian? Suicidal?” Garak asked seriously.

“No way! Then he’ll have won.”

“Well then, you’re the doctor, I think you can administer your own medication, can’t you?”

Julian laugh was a little more relaxed this time. “Of course. I think I’ll do what Jabara suggested and read.”

One of your trashy human mystery or spy novels no doubt, or that equally tasteless Shakespeare?”

“N-no, I was thinking of something entirely more familiar and comforting, and not in Standard either.” He smiled and looked up at the highest shelf in the room.

“Ah, then you’re be wanting those Arabian fairy tales of your childhood and the Qu’ran.”

“Well, I thought I’d start with the Qu’ran and then go on to the tales when I was tired.”

Garak laughed. “Just stick to the beautiful bits about creation and compassion, don’t go down this road of guilt and self-hatred and denial.”

“That’s the Shariah anyway,” Julian, said primly, “the only mention says `leave them alone`, did you know that? Apart from the reference to Sodom of course -”

“Darling?”

“Yes?”

“You’re babbling again.”

“Oh! Sorry. Well, I won’t hate myself, I promise.” Julian sounded very much like a child. Garak smiled and kissed his forehead. “Will you come back for lunch?”

Garak laughed. “Of course. Gossip concerning you and I we can live with.”

“We’ll have to!” Julian’s smile was so enchanting Garak could have wept for what Dukat had put him through.

 

**

 

Nothing of course is that simple. Julian remained in his quarters for a week seeing only Garak and Jabara, who tried to provide him with as much immediate post-rape counselling as he needed and wanted. Eventually Julian insisted on seeing Sisko and submitting a full report to add to Sisko’s own. Star Fleet decided to take no diplomatic action for which Julian was secretly grateful but Sisko was deeply annoyed about. Sisko told the rest of his staff the partial truth - Dukat had beaten Julian in connection to the Rugal case. Julian had to wait another year until Keiko went to Bajor before he even had an inkling of how O’Brien felt about him. After another week he went back to work under the watchful eye of Jabara - a week where Julian would begin to cry or shake for no apparent reason! His recovery was remarkably quick considering, although he experienced a major set back following his experience in the alternative universe. The thought that he could have been raped and tortured by the alternative Garak nearly drove him insane. He only coped by confiding in Major Kira on their way home. Following the recommendation of his first officer Sisko ordered Julian on holiday. Garak took him to Risa where - even if Julian still felt too afraid of and uncomfortable about penetrative sex in either position - Garak introduced him to the pleasures of the bedroom! Some time after that Julian was able to relax enough to allow Garak what he’d dreamed of ever since he’d set eyes on the young doctor in the Replimat. Even though Julian was still haunted by Dukat - and his uncle too - at that moment of lovemaking he knew only himself and Garak existed in the Universe. Dukat had achieved nothing, but Garak felt their relationship was the stronger for it. Julian eventually felt being raped - however awful - had put how he felt about being sexually abused into context. When he’d spoken to Sisko about it had in fact been the first time he had spoken of it so casually as if it had no power to hurt. He knew also that eventually Dukat would recede from his psyche, as had his uncle. He loved Garak - and although Garak never admitted it - he believed Garak loved him.

**Author's Note:**

> The mentions of the abuse in Julian's past are sexual, physical and mental. I used the same back story as I did in my other fic, but added to father becoming physical with his discipline. Also, quite frankly, if being disappointed in your child as he is, taking him out of Federation space to have him completely re-engineered into something more pleasing and then enforcing his silence if it is not mental abuse?
> 
> As you may have noticed this is set towards the end of Season 2, where we have no idea of Julian's genetic enhancement - but of course Julian knows about it, hence it is in his thought along with other aspects of his childhood.


End file.
